White Noise

Duration: 65 minutes 15 seconds, Size: 89.6 MB.
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Ah, mankind’s greatest invention.

You love this sound. Love it like you love bacon, a deep, personal love that makes your bones feel good inside.

The soothing white noise hum of the air conditioner – a sound I’m sure you’re familiar with – reminds you of those gentle summer nights when you drifted off to sleep to this subtle drone of pure auditory bliss.

There are only two kinds of people in this world, those who love air conditioners…

…and those who love air conditioners but won’t admit it.

Duration: 62 minutes 39 seconds, Size: 86.0 MB.
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I know what you are thinking.

I bet you are thinking, “Where are people’s air conditioners? Why is there not a site that lets me keep track of their air conditioners online so that I always know where the nearest one is????”

And the answer is because I don’t have any venture capital.

Duration: 65 minutes 37 seconds, Size: 90.1 MB.
Buy the hour length MP3 file for only $9.99!

Something nobody has ever said in a movie:
“that font is large… TOO large.”

Duration: 63 minutes 34 seconds, Size: 87.3 MB.
Buy the hour length MP3 file for only $9.99!

For those of us that like our air conditioners with a little flavor:

Hint of Rattle™.

Delicious. Shake well before serving.

Duration: 65 minutes 34 seconds, Size: 90.0 MB.
Buy the hour length MP3 file for only $9.99!

I personally prefer the sound of an air conditioner, though back then when I was in university I had to babysit a toddler — about nine or ten months of age — for a friend.

The precious little bugger wouldn’t quit squawking and was upset that mum had gone out to work. I tried to calm him down and even offered some strawberry-flavored yogurt but he just threw it at my face. Ow!

I had a lot of homework to do and a major math exam to take the next day so I didn’t have much of a choice but to turn on the vacuum cleaner to drown out his incessant squabbling.

As luck would have it, after about half a minute I shot a quick glance over my shoulder to check up on him and before I knew it he was on the couch sound asleep… humbly drooling over his plush polar bear. Fart!

I’ve also heard success stories over the years from friends and moms lulling their babies to sleep by turning on the vacuum cleaner:

Thus I’ve recorded this as a somewhat sensible alternative to burning out your vacuum cleaner’s motor — the model is a progressive upright Kenmore.

Because vacuum cleaners are so boisterously high-pitched, personal preference and past empirical conditioning (some parents use them to get their children out of bed in the mornings) are large determining factors in their effectiveness as a source of white noise sleep aid.

Some people hate it, some people love it. Give it a try and if it doesn’t work for your little munchkin, hit me up with an e-mail if you’d like to try something else!

Duration: 65 minutes 34 seconds, Size: 90.0 MB.
Buy the hour length MP3 file for only $9.99!

When a gas furnace in a home is running, it produces a fantastical, warm, and comforting, low rumbling drone that could knock you right out into a nappy catnap. It’s just a thoroughly entrancing sound.

There are a few nuisances however — the thing is, if you wanna hear it right at the climax of your siesta, the reassuring hum is probably way too quiet to hear from your bedroom (assuming you have one, of course). And if you do have a furnace, it only runs in 5-10 minute intermittent spurts.

Fret no more, furnace lovers — this MP3 is a continuous 65 minutes of fat juicy furnace goodness. No overheating, no gargantuan gas bill!

Duration: 63 minutes 30 seconds, Size: 87.2 MB.
Buy the hour length MP3 file for only $9.99!

You see… I have this great joke.

An air conditioner walks into a bar and………

um…

it…

uh…

bah! I forgot…

Oh well, let box fans be box fans.